we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
