just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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