I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Randomize
