Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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