I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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