do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
