Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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