was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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