I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
