i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
