The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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