FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you win again, gameday.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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