i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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