Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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