Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
