Sorry, I don't speak sober.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
