Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
