Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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