I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
