I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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