so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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