I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
why is half of my head shaved?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
