Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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