he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
