You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
