I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
