And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
