My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
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I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
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I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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