Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
