Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
