why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
