I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
