unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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