i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
