Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
