I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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