I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
