I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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