i love accidental penises.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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