i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
