Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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