My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
