There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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