The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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