So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize