I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
