I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
