Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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