I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
