I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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