I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
