Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Randomize
