Where did you get a picture of my penis
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
