If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
