It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
