I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
