STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
