hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
