My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
